Pain

There has been a number of painful events happening around me. Not to me, but to friends. To people I know and to some I have never met, but "know" through social media.
I have cried over their pain. But when I think about them, I think how they have to hold this pain for their lifetime. I can leave it. They have to tread this deep ocean and try to breath. And it doesn't stop tomorrow. It doesn't stop next year. It will always be there.
Pain.
Such Deep Pain.
How can anyone hold it?
How can anyone stand up in another day while holding so much?
I think there must be some way to see on the outside what they are feeling on the inside.
How can our insides hold all this pain without it showing up on the outside in a physical experience?
I keep thinking of a tower of Lego's that falls to the ground in a million little pieces.
Melting into a puddle.
An explosion of the physical body.
I picture a widow standing at her husbands funeral with her children. She is standing. She is in one piece. She is strong. I am positive she doesn't feel it. But the fact she is standing is a testament.
I don't know how to comfort those who have lost.
I don't know what to say to those experiencing the deep oceans of hurt.
I cry into my pillow at night hoping against all hope they are sinking into Jesus. I don't know how, I don't know if thinking is even possible, but I hope and I pray. I hope they can sink into Jesus. To cling to Him.
I hope others will do the work of clinging to Jesus for them. When everything seems impossible.

I have a picture of those who have known pain and been able to reach a shore. I picture them in a beautiful valley of never ending fields of flowers. The ocean is always there, and sometimes they leave the flowers to bath in the ocean again, but it's never as deep or endless as it once was. They can rise out of the water and walk to the field of flowers to lay down.

I pray that peaceful fields of flowers would one day be found in every heart that is hurting. That we can walk up out of the ocean even if it's just to sit in the surf for a while.

I pray for those experiencing deep oceans of pain.
My heart is crying with yours and lifting you up. You feel alone. But I will do the work of believing for you. Of sinking you into Jesus when you can't. Of hoping when it seems to you there is none. Of helping you hold together when you think you are going to explode into a million little pieces.
I will pray for you when you can't.

JESUS! Carry us. Don't let us drown! Hold us up as long as it takes for us to find a shore. As long as it takes for us to even hope that there could be a shore. Hold us. We are weak, but you are strong. I am a vapor, You are everlasting. You never change.
You are greater than my heart and You know everything. 
Thank You.
My hope is found in you. When everything else has failed, You are there. You know. You Love.    You Are.

who am I trying to fool

So I've been watching this show lately.
I should start over.
I am a sucker for a good romance. Not just any romance, but a GOOD romance. All those romantic comedies just don't cut it for me, and even most of the dramas. But put on Pride and Prejudice and I am all about that.
So back to this show, it's about a small southern town and a girl who moves there from the big city and tries to fit in. I am a sucker for cowboys too... gosh okay! Now you know my secrets.
(my husband is not a cowboy, because we are from Alaska, but I love him anyway. Shhh.)
I don't think I have ever been SO addicted to a show. This one has me completely entranced. I think about it when I am not watching, I can watch like 5 shows in a row and not even think twice about it, and when I am done watching, I will have a southern accent.
Seriously.
How do the writers of these shows KNOW?! They just know how to trap me! The first time I saw the show I noticed it had been given 5 stars so I tried it out and didn't get 10 minutes in before I had to shut it off. It was going to be dorky, I could just tell. But then I kept seeing it. It kept having 5 stars. I had no shows left on my little netflix list and I was tired of surfing gosh darn it! So I tried again.
Bam! still dorky, but I was going to push through. Sometimes shows get better, right? or do I just sink into the level they are at?
Anyway, I do this. I watch a movie and I tell you, I AM that character. I could talk like her, act like her, I want to BE her. It's not purposeful and eventually (in approximately 5 minutes) it wears off. But seriously, how does that happen?!
I know one thing. It makes me feel discontent with my life. With what I have and who I am. I know it and still I watch. Still I feel connected to the characters. Still it enters in through my eyes and ears and into my brain and exudes out of me in my words and actions. I LET it.
Holy cow. My discontent with myself is so easy to rise out of me. I feel like I should KNOW better! I do. I want my life, where I am RIGHT NOW, to be my most peaceful place.
I have to FIGHT! Fight for the right! to be content. To be me in my truest most loving form.
I am reminded to do what God says in his word "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with THANKSGIVING, let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6
So, be thankful. Pray. Lean into God. Listen to His small voice.
Should I quite watching shows that are romantic? Psssh! ha! God hasn't taken me down THAT road yet! I don't like smut, but I like a good story. So does Jesus I suppose. Since after all, He is our romance. I think though, that I need to watch these shows with the foundation of Christ in my mind, body, and spirit. If I know Him, I know ours is the most romantic story around. There is nothing better than what I have and who he has made me to be.
Yes Jesus. I love you. Thank you.

And of course, maybe I should limit my show watching to just, ah, er, one (or two) at a time... we'll see.

okay fine. three.

opinions

I think I care too much about what people think. I have always told myself that I don't, but this past week some things have come out about the pressure I feel from people who are close to me. I let this pressure dictate how I interact with them and thus, our relationship is formed by it. My husband says it puts me in the position of always being everyone's servant. That the good of the relationship is up to how I please them. I have to say, that is how I feel most of the time. I have a few good friends who are still interested in me for being me after all the years I have said and done stupid things. All the times I have not been a good friend to them, they still are there. My family will always be there. They are very supportive of me. But even with close friends and family I always know will be there for me, I feel this pressure to do what is right in THEIR eyes. To be something that looks good to THEM. I always thought I knew who I was and what I wanted, but it turns out, I think I am hiding a lot of it. I think. I am not sure. I am 32 years old. I should know who I am. I know I do more now than when I was in my teens and twenties. But regardless, I need to get rid of this PRESSURE I have built up in my mind that I need to please the people around me and make myself into something that looks good to them. I just need to be me in all of my mess ups and changes and whatever else, without thinking that I won't matter to someone else if I do. Can't I just be thankful for the person God made me to be? Can't I be kind and forgiving and still be myself? Can't I love with the heart of Christ and still be me? Yes. I don't know how, but I think so. That is why He created me right? To be that one piece of the puzzle that no other piece can fill. Ok. So, I want to let people know what I think sometimes without being afraid of hurting their feelings. I want to have a valid opinion in my life and feel like it's worth something even if it doesn't match what other people think. Now that I have a place to write stuff, I think I will put out my opinions a little more. I will show myself. There is good stuff. I am always learning how to be better, how to love more, how to be a child of Christ more. And then, there is the ugly stuff. Stuff that needs to be refined and cast out. I am willing to be pruned so that more fruit will grow. Time to stop letting my fruit fall to the ground. Time to believe in myself a little more. Time to dive into God's Word more and BELIEVE what He says! To renew my mind.