Following Peace

I am trying to write about a life of peace, but there are a million noises in the house right now that make me want to scream. People touching me, talking to me endlessly, whining, crying, yelling, laughing....
I can hardly get enough peace to think, let alone write.
Especially about life.
Never the less, life is made up of these moments. Frustrating ones and unexpected ones. I have a propensity to seek the peaceful more than any other type of moment. That is what seems to be the most sanity saving for me. Peace. I like quiet, restful, predictable moments. It is something that sets me apart from a lot of my friends who are a lot more at peace with messy things, loud things, things that let their kids have way more freedom of time and creativity.  I think I am considered a structured mom. I like schedules, I like everything in it's place. I don't like stuff, I like the world around me to make sense and to be quiet!
That's not too much to ask, right?!
I have felt pressure over the 5 short years of my parenting to have and to do things a certain way. I mean, we all feel it. If you are not doing crafty things, you should be. If you are not cleaning everyday, you should be. If you are not breastfeeding, co-sleeping, vaccine giving, baby wearing, exercising, homeschooling, experience getting, YOU SHOULD BE! You could "should be" yourself into the ground.
I know I have reached those places of feeling "in the ground" and I am a mean mommy in those places. I am not a loving wife and I can say one thing for certain, I DON'T have peace. I am tired, frustrated, and feel "less than" most of the time.
My heart wrestles with all the things I should be improving on or could do better and how I am falling so far short of those places.
I have come to this conclusion though (finally), that I must follow the peace. And although it is much easier to say than do, it works. It makes me a person so different than I thought I should be, but I have so much more peace. I don't have to craft all the time. I don't have to have a clean house all the time. When I shut off the outside noises of people telling me "you should be", peace follows. I don't have to do the things everyone else thinks I should be doing, or even feel the pressure of them! I can just let it roll off my back. It's so much more fun to be the person I was intended to be rather than the person I always though everyone else thought I should be.
I can definitely appreciate other perspectives and reasons for doing what they do, but I don't have to do it. And I don't have to feel like I SHOULD be doing it.
You know, there is more to it than just my own perceptions of what brings me peace though. It is not just about following MY peace, but seeking God's. What does God say I should do? What is His perspective? And that is when the real peace sets in. When I am walking in the middle of His purpose. The way He made me. Being the cog that fits into the space I was made for. That not only brings peace, but such Joy.
Thank you Lord.
Now, to just walk in it. That will be my ambition.

kid love

There isn't a moment to spare. I am trying to sit down for a minute and I just cannot. The moment the kids wake up, actually a lot of moments before they wake up, I am on the go. I know it's a busy life to have three kids. Any kids really. But this weekend my husband is out of town. He has been gone for two days and this morning, and I feel like he has been gone for weeks! I even had one night with just the baby and I, and while it was very quiet, it was not the relaxing experience I always dream of. I still had to take care of the house, the dog, the baby. Once the other two came back from their night at Mamaw and Papaw's, the night and now morning have been a non-stop stream of moments to take care of "things". Get all the chores done, both my normal ones and Paul's. Clean up any kids' pee beds if I didn't already last night. Make breakfast, change diapers, let out the dog, make sure dog doesn't run away, wipe butts, wash hands, get dressed, oops... it looks like one has pink eye! Runny noses, Wash hands A MILLION TIMES! Poop?! AGAIN?! Wash the sheets. Mountains of laundry. Laundry being thrown on the floor. The dog laying on the laundry on the floor. Kids saying, "mom, watch me. Mom, wipe me. Mom, so n so is bugging me. Mom, I'm hungry. Mom, I don't feel good. Mom, read to me. Mom, help me. Mom mom mom mom mom.

I don't know this mom person.

And yet, these kids are SO CUTE!

I don't understand this strain between keeping them away from me and wanting to just eat them up I love them so!

I am confused, tired, irritated, and such a sucker for their cute faces and butts and fingers and even when they rip EVERYTHING and eat toilet paper... OUT OF THE TOILET! I still find myself in love.

It's a strange thing.

Ok, one just puked.

Better keep going.

Better keep loving.

Thank you Lord for my full house.

To Change

I have been struggling with my thoughts lately. They are so difficult to reign in. We are supposed to find freedom in what Christ has done for us and yet there is still so much work to be done on ourselves. So much transformation. Really it's just so much "letting go". It's hard work letting go. Letting Jesus take over my mind and life... I wish there wasn't so much of ME in the way. I know I cling to things I shouldn't. Thoughts about life, people, situations, what is right vs wrong, what someone else does vs what I do. I am a comparison freak. I compare until I am down right depressed. I value too much what other people think. Why can't I get RID of this thinking??!! It is the driver behind how I parent, what kind of wife I am, what food I will cook, what my house looks like, how I spend my money.

My contentment.

My Joy.

Why would I let what other people think, be the dictator of MY JOY?! There is absolutely no reason for it. But I slip into it so. dadgum. easy. I let other people's thoughtless words drive me to anger, bitterness, frustration and it affects not just me, but everyone around me.
I was in the bathroom with my 3 year old the other day helping her wash her hands and my thoughts were so far from the present situation. Instead of being present with my little girl, instructing her and loving her with my words and actions, I was thinking of all the things everyone else was accomplishing in their lives and I was not... I let out a huge sigh. My little girl noticed and said, "Mom, why are you sad?" I said, in an attempt at blowing it off, "I'm not sad, I must just be tired or something." And then it struck me that my 3 year old notices I am not content. She sees it on my face, hears it in my sigh, and asks what's wrong.
I thought I was holding it in pretty good! Putting on my "brave face" and all that.
My child saw right through it. I must have been doing a pretty weak job. 
I want to be a beggar at the feet of Jesus. I beg for His spirit to lead me. To take my thoughts into captivity. To remind me every. waking. moment. who I am and what He has done. I want TO LIVE IN HIS RIVER OF LIFE!
And yet, I am found so often on the shore, barely touching my toes to the water. I find the thoughts of worthlessness creeping up on me and suddenly I am overwhelmed by them! How can this be?! Is the fight never over? ....

It's a good thing God has grace.
It's a good thing He is Love, and I can never wear it out.
It's a good thing He has paid the price, even while I am still a sinner.
It's a good thing He sees me and has made every provision for me to come to Him. To see His face, to feel His goodness, to hear His words, to know that despite all of me, He IS.
He is worth living this life for.
He is worth fighting this fight for.
He is the God who made me. Knowing me in and out. Knowing I would struggle with thoughts of worthlessness, judgment, and discontentment.
He is greater than my heart, and He knows everything.
He is my God, and I am so glad.