I am trying to write about a life of peace, but there are a million noises in the house right now that make me want to scream. People touching me, talking to me endlessly, whining, crying, yelling, laughing....
I can hardly get enough peace to think, let alone write.
Especially about life.
Never the less, life is made up of these moments. Frustrating ones and unexpected ones. I have a propensity to seek the peaceful more than any other type of moment. That is what seems to be the most sanity saving for me. Peace. I like quiet, restful, predictable moments. It is something that sets me apart from a lot of my friends who are a lot more at peace with messy things, loud things, things that let their kids have way more freedom of time and creativity. I think I am considered a structured mom. I like schedules, I like everything in it's place. I don't like stuff, I like the world around me to make sense and to be quiet!
That's not too much to ask, right?!
I have felt pressure over the 5 short years of my parenting to have and to do things a certain way. I mean, we all feel it. If you are not doing crafty things, you should be. If you are not cleaning everyday, you should be. If you are not breastfeeding, co-sleeping, vaccine giving, baby wearing, exercising, homeschooling, experience getting, YOU SHOULD BE! You could "should be" yourself into the ground.
I know I have reached those places of feeling "in the ground" and I am a mean mommy in those places. I am not a loving wife and I can say one thing for certain, I DON'T have peace. I am tired, frustrated, and feel "less than" most of the time.
My heart wrestles with all the things I should be improving on or could do better and how I am falling so far short of those places.
I have come to this conclusion though (finally), that I must follow the peace. And although it is much easier to say than do, it works. It makes me a person so different than I thought I should be, but I have so much more peace. I don't have to craft all the time. I don't have to have a clean house all the time. When I shut off the outside noises of people telling me "you should be", peace follows. I don't have to do the things everyone else thinks I should be doing, or even feel the pressure of them! I can just let it roll off my back. It's so much more fun to be the person I was intended to be rather than the person I always though everyone else thought I should be.
I can definitely appreciate other perspectives and reasons for doing what they do, but I don't have to do it. And I don't have to feel like I SHOULD be doing it.
You know, there is more to it than just my own perceptions of what brings me peace though. It is not just about following MY peace, but seeking God's. What does God say I should do? What is His perspective? And that is when the real peace sets in. When I am walking in the middle of His purpose. The way He made me. Being the cog that fits into the space I was made for. That not only brings peace, but such Joy.
Thank you Lord.
Now, to just walk in it. That will be my ambition.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Sunday, February 22, 2015
kid love
There isn't a moment to spare. I am trying to sit down for a minute and I just cannot. The moment the kids wake up, actually a lot of moments before they wake up, I am on the go. I know it's a busy life to have three kids. Any kids really. But this weekend my husband is out of town. He has been gone for two days and this morning, and I feel like he has been gone for weeks! I even had one night with just the baby and I, and while it was very quiet, it was not the relaxing experience I always dream of. I still had to take care of the house, the dog, the baby. Once the other two came back from their night at Mamaw and Papaw's, the night and now morning have been a non-stop stream of moments to take care of "things". Get all the chores done, both my normal ones and Paul's. Clean up any kids' pee beds if I didn't already last night. Make breakfast, change diapers, let out the dog, make sure dog doesn't run away, wipe butts, wash hands, get dressed, oops... it looks like one has pink eye! Runny noses, Wash hands A MILLION TIMES! Poop?! AGAIN?! Wash the sheets. Mountains of laundry. Laundry being thrown on the floor. The dog laying on the laundry on the floor. Kids saying, "mom, watch me. Mom, wipe me. Mom, so n so is bugging me. Mom, I'm hungry. Mom, I don't feel good. Mom, read to me. Mom, help me. Mom mom mom mom mom.
I don't know this mom person.
And yet, these kids are SO CUTE!
I don't understand this strain between keeping them away from me and wanting to just eat them up I love them so!
I am confused, tired, irritated, and such a sucker for their cute faces and butts and fingers and even when they rip EVERYTHING and eat toilet paper... OUT OF THE TOILET! I still find myself in love.
It's a strange thing.
Ok, one just puked.
Better keep going.
Better keep loving.
Thank you Lord for my full house.
I don't know this mom person.
And yet, these kids are SO CUTE!
I don't understand this strain between keeping them away from me and wanting to just eat them up I love them so!
I am confused, tired, irritated, and such a sucker for their cute faces and butts and fingers and even when they rip EVERYTHING and eat toilet paper... OUT OF THE TOILET! I still find myself in love.
It's a strange thing.
Ok, one just puked.
Better keep going.
Better keep loving.
Thank you Lord for my full house.
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
To Change
I have been struggling with my thoughts lately. They are so difficult to reign in. We are supposed to find freedom in what Christ has done for us and yet there is still so much work to be done on ourselves. So much transformation. Really it's just so much "letting go". It's hard work letting go. Letting Jesus take over my mind and life... I wish there wasn't so much of ME in the way. I know I cling to things I shouldn't. Thoughts about life, people, situations, what is right vs wrong, what someone else does vs what I do. I am a comparison freak. I compare until I am down right depressed. I value too much what other people think. Why can't I get RID of this thinking??!! It is the driver behind how I parent, what kind of wife I am, what food I will cook, what my house looks like, how I spend my money.
My contentment.
My Joy.
Why would I let what other people think, be the dictator of MY JOY?! There is absolutely no reason for it. But I slip into it so. dadgum. easy. I let other people's thoughtless words drive me to anger, bitterness, frustration and it affects not just me, but everyone around me.
I was in the bathroom with my 3 year old the other day helping her wash her hands and my thoughts were so far from the present situation. Instead of being present with my little girl, instructing her and loving her with my words and actions, I was thinking of all the things everyone else was accomplishing in their lives and I was not... I let out a huge sigh. My little girl noticed and said, "Mom, why are you sad?" I said, in an attempt at blowing it off, "I'm not sad, I must just be tired or something." And then it struck me that my 3 year old notices I am not content. She sees it on my face, hears it in my sigh, and asks what's wrong.
I thought I was holding it in pretty good! Putting on my "brave face" and all that.
My child saw right through it. I must have been doing a pretty weak job.
I want to be a beggar at the feet of Jesus. I beg for His spirit to lead me. To take my thoughts into captivity. To remind me every. waking. moment. who I am and what He has done. I want TO LIVE IN HIS RIVER OF LIFE!
And yet, I am found so often on the shore, barely touching my toes to the water. I find the thoughts of worthlessness creeping up on me and suddenly I am overwhelmed by them! How can this be?! Is the fight never over? ....
It's a good thing God has grace.
It's a good thing He is Love, and I can never wear it out.
It's a good thing He has paid the price, even while I am still a sinner.
It's a good thing He sees me and has made every provision for me to come to Him. To see His face, to feel His goodness, to hear His words, to know that despite all of me, He IS.
He is worth living this life for.
He is worth fighting this fight for.
He is the God who made me. Knowing me in and out. Knowing I would struggle with thoughts of worthlessness, judgment, and discontentment.
He is greater than my heart, and He knows everything.
He is my God, and I am so glad.
My contentment.
My Joy.
Why would I let what other people think, be the dictator of MY JOY?! There is absolutely no reason for it. But I slip into it so. dadgum. easy. I let other people's thoughtless words drive me to anger, bitterness, frustration and it affects not just me, but everyone around me.
I was in the bathroom with my 3 year old the other day helping her wash her hands and my thoughts were so far from the present situation. Instead of being present with my little girl, instructing her and loving her with my words and actions, I was thinking of all the things everyone else was accomplishing in their lives and I was not... I let out a huge sigh. My little girl noticed and said, "Mom, why are you sad?" I said, in an attempt at blowing it off, "I'm not sad, I must just be tired or something." And then it struck me that my 3 year old notices I am not content. She sees it on my face, hears it in my sigh, and asks what's wrong.
I thought I was holding it in pretty good! Putting on my "brave face" and all that.
My child saw right through it. I must have been doing a pretty weak job.
I want to be a beggar at the feet of Jesus. I beg for His spirit to lead me. To take my thoughts into captivity. To remind me every. waking. moment. who I am and what He has done. I want TO LIVE IN HIS RIVER OF LIFE!
And yet, I am found so often on the shore, barely touching my toes to the water. I find the thoughts of worthlessness creeping up on me and suddenly I am overwhelmed by them! How can this be?! Is the fight never over? ....
It's a good thing God has grace.
It's a good thing He is Love, and I can never wear it out.
It's a good thing He has paid the price, even while I am still a sinner.
It's a good thing He sees me and has made every provision for me to come to Him. To see His face, to feel His goodness, to hear His words, to know that despite all of me, He IS.
He is worth living this life for.
He is worth fighting this fight for.
He is the God who made me. Knowing me in and out. Knowing I would struggle with thoughts of worthlessness, judgment, and discontentment.
He is greater than my heart, and He knows everything.
He is my God, and I am so glad.
Friday, January 30, 2015
Pain
There has been a number of painful events happening around me. Not to me, but to friends. To people I know and to some I have never met, but "know" through social media.
I have cried over their pain. But when I think about them, I think how they have to hold this pain for their lifetime. I can leave it. They have to tread this deep ocean and try to breath. And it doesn't stop tomorrow. It doesn't stop next year. It will always be there.
Pain.
Such Deep Pain.
How can anyone hold it?
How can anyone stand up in another day while holding so much?
I think there must be some way to see on the outside what they are feeling on the inside.
How can our insides hold all this pain without it showing up on the outside in a physical experience?
I keep thinking of a tower of Lego's that falls to the ground in a million little pieces.
Melting into a puddle.
An explosion of the physical body.
I picture a widow standing at her husbands funeral with her children. She is standing. She is in one piece. She is strong. I am positive she doesn't feel it. But the fact she is standing is a testament.
I don't know how to comfort those who have lost.
I don't know what to say to those experiencing the deep oceans of hurt.
I cry into my pillow at night hoping against all hope they are sinking into Jesus. I don't know how, I don't know if thinking is even possible, but I hope and I pray. I hope they can sink into Jesus. To cling to Him.
I hope others will do the work of clinging to Jesus for them. When everything seems impossible.
I have a picture of those who have known pain and been able to reach a shore. I picture them in a beautiful valley of never ending fields of flowers. The ocean is always there, and sometimes they leave the flowers to bath in the ocean again, but it's never as deep or endless as it once was. They can rise out of the water and walk to the field of flowers to lay down.
I pray that peaceful fields of flowers would one day be found in every heart that is hurting. That we can walk up out of the ocean even if it's just to sit in the surf for a while.
I pray for those experiencing deep oceans of pain.
My heart is crying with yours and lifting you up. You feel alone. But I will do the work of believing for you. Of sinking you into Jesus when you can't. Of hoping when it seems to you there is none. Of helping you hold together when you think you are going to explode into a million little pieces.
I will pray for you when you can't.
JESUS! Carry us. Don't let us drown! Hold us up as long as it takes for us to find a shore. As long as it takes for us to even hope that there could be a shore. Hold us. We are weak, but you are strong. I am a vapor, You are everlasting. You never change.
You are greater than my heart and You know everything.
Thank You.
My hope is found in you. When everything else has failed, You are there. You know. You Love. You Are.
I have cried over their pain. But when I think about them, I think how they have to hold this pain for their lifetime. I can leave it. They have to tread this deep ocean and try to breath. And it doesn't stop tomorrow. It doesn't stop next year. It will always be there.
Pain.
Such Deep Pain.
How can anyone hold it?
How can anyone stand up in another day while holding so much?
I think there must be some way to see on the outside what they are feeling on the inside.
How can our insides hold all this pain without it showing up on the outside in a physical experience?
I keep thinking of a tower of Lego's that falls to the ground in a million little pieces.
Melting into a puddle.
An explosion of the physical body.
I picture a widow standing at her husbands funeral with her children. She is standing. She is in one piece. She is strong. I am positive she doesn't feel it. But the fact she is standing is a testament.
I don't know how to comfort those who have lost.
I don't know what to say to those experiencing the deep oceans of hurt.
I cry into my pillow at night hoping against all hope they are sinking into Jesus. I don't know how, I don't know if thinking is even possible, but I hope and I pray. I hope they can sink into Jesus. To cling to Him.
I hope others will do the work of clinging to Jesus for them. When everything seems impossible.
I have a picture of those who have known pain and been able to reach a shore. I picture them in a beautiful valley of never ending fields of flowers. The ocean is always there, and sometimes they leave the flowers to bath in the ocean again, but it's never as deep or endless as it once was. They can rise out of the water and walk to the field of flowers to lay down.
I pray that peaceful fields of flowers would one day be found in every heart that is hurting. That we can walk up out of the ocean even if it's just to sit in the surf for a while.
I pray for those experiencing deep oceans of pain.
My heart is crying with yours and lifting you up. You feel alone. But I will do the work of believing for you. Of sinking you into Jesus when you can't. Of hoping when it seems to you there is none. Of helping you hold together when you think you are going to explode into a million little pieces.
I will pray for you when you can't.
JESUS! Carry us. Don't let us drown! Hold us up as long as it takes for us to find a shore. As long as it takes for us to even hope that there could be a shore. Hold us. We are weak, but you are strong. I am a vapor, You are everlasting. You never change.
You are greater than my heart and You know everything.
Thank You.
My hope is found in you. When everything else has failed, You are there. You know. You Love. You Are.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
who am I trying to fool
So I've been watching this show lately.
I should start over.
I am a sucker for a good romance. Not just any romance, but a GOOD romance. All those romantic comedies just don't cut it for me, and even most of the dramas. But put on Pride and Prejudice and I am all about that.
So back to this show, it's about a small southern town and a girl who moves there from the big city and tries to fit in. I am a sucker for cowboys too... gosh okay! Now you know my secrets.
(my husband is not a cowboy, because we are from Alaska, but I love him anyway. Shhh.)
I don't think I have ever been SO addicted to a show. This one has me completely entranced. I think about it when I am not watching, I can watch like 5 shows in a row and not even think twice about it, and when I am done watching, I will have a southern accent.
Seriously.
How do the writers of these shows KNOW?! They just know how to trap me! The first time I saw the show I noticed it had been given 5 stars so I tried it out and didn't get 10 minutes in before I had to shut it off. It was going to be dorky, I could just tell. But then I kept seeing it. It kept having 5 stars. I had no shows left on my little netflix list and I was tired of surfing gosh darn it! So I tried again.
Bam! still dorky, but I was going to push through. Sometimes shows get better, right? or do I just sink into the level they are at?
Anyway, I do this. I watch a movie and I tell you, I AM that character. I could talk like her, act like her, I want to BE her. It's not purposeful and eventually (in approximately 5 minutes) it wears off. But seriously, how does that happen?!
I know one thing. It makes me feel discontent with my life. With what I have and who I am. I know it and still I watch. Still I feel connected to the characters. Still it enters in through my eyes and ears and into my brain and exudes out of me in my words and actions. I LET it.
Holy cow. My discontent with myself is so easy to rise out of me. I feel like I should KNOW better! I do. I want my life, where I am RIGHT NOW, to be my most peaceful place.
I have to FIGHT! Fight for the right! to be content. To be me in my truest most loving form.
I am reminded to do what God says in his word "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with THANKSGIVING, let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6
So, be thankful. Pray. Lean into God. Listen to His small voice.
Should I quite watching shows that are romantic? Psssh! ha! God hasn't taken me down THAT road yet! I don't like smut, but I like a good story. So does Jesus I suppose. Since after all, He is our romance. I think though, that I need to watch these shows with the foundation of Christ in my mind, body, and spirit. If I know Him, I know ours is the most romantic story around. There is nothing better than what I have and who he has made me to be.
Yes Jesus. I love you. Thank you.
And of course, maybe I should limit my show watching to just, ah, er, one (or two) at a time... we'll see.
okay fine. three.
I should start over.
I am a sucker for a good romance. Not just any romance, but a GOOD romance. All those romantic comedies just don't cut it for me, and even most of the dramas. But put on Pride and Prejudice and I am all about that.
So back to this show, it's about a small southern town and a girl who moves there from the big city and tries to fit in. I am a sucker for cowboys too... gosh okay! Now you know my secrets.
(my husband is not a cowboy, because we are from Alaska, but I love him anyway. Shhh.)
I don't think I have ever been SO addicted to a show. This one has me completely entranced. I think about it when I am not watching, I can watch like 5 shows in a row and not even think twice about it, and when I am done watching, I will have a southern accent.
Seriously.
How do the writers of these shows KNOW?! They just know how to trap me! The first time I saw the show I noticed it had been given 5 stars so I tried it out and didn't get 10 minutes in before I had to shut it off. It was going to be dorky, I could just tell. But then I kept seeing it. It kept having 5 stars. I had no shows left on my little netflix list and I was tired of surfing gosh darn it! So I tried again.
Bam! still dorky, but I was going to push through. Sometimes shows get better, right? or do I just sink into the level they are at?
Anyway, I do this. I watch a movie and I tell you, I AM that character. I could talk like her, act like her, I want to BE her. It's not purposeful and eventually (in approximately 5 minutes) it wears off. But seriously, how does that happen?!
I know one thing. It makes me feel discontent with my life. With what I have and who I am. I know it and still I watch. Still I feel connected to the characters. Still it enters in through my eyes and ears and into my brain and exudes out of me in my words and actions. I LET it.
Holy cow. My discontent with myself is so easy to rise out of me. I feel like I should KNOW better! I do. I want my life, where I am RIGHT NOW, to be my most peaceful place.
I have to FIGHT! Fight for the right! to be content. To be me in my truest most loving form.
I am reminded to do what God says in his word "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with THANKSGIVING, let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6
So, be thankful. Pray. Lean into God. Listen to His small voice.
Should I quite watching shows that are romantic? Psssh! ha! God hasn't taken me down THAT road yet! I don't like smut, but I like a good story. So does Jesus I suppose. Since after all, He is our romance. I think though, that I need to watch these shows with the foundation of Christ in my mind, body, and spirit. If I know Him, I know ours is the most romantic story around. There is nothing better than what I have and who he has made me to be.
Yes Jesus. I love you. Thank you.
And of course, maybe I should limit my show watching to just, ah, er, one (or two) at a time... we'll see.
okay fine. three.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
opinions
I think I care too much about what people think. I have always told myself that I don't, but this past week some things have come out about the pressure I feel from people who are close to me. I let this pressure dictate how I interact with them and thus, our relationship is formed by it. My husband says it puts me in the position of always being everyone's servant. That the good of the relationship is up to how I please them. I have to say, that is how I feel most of the time. I have a few good friends who are still interested in me for being me after all the years I have said and done stupid things. All the times I have not been a good friend to them, they still are there. My family will always be there. They are very supportive of me. But even with close friends and family I always know will be there for me, I feel this pressure to do what is right in THEIR eyes. To be something that looks good to THEM. I always thought I knew who I was and what I wanted, but it turns out, I think I am hiding a lot of it. I think. I am not sure. I am 32 years old. I should know who I am. I know I do more now than when I was in my teens and twenties. But regardless, I need to get rid of this PRESSURE I have built up in my mind that I need to please the people around me and make myself into something that looks good to them. I just need to be me in all of my mess ups and changes and whatever else, without thinking that I won't matter to someone else if I do. Can't I just be thankful for the person God made me to be? Can't I be kind and forgiving and still be myself? Can't I love with the heart of Christ and still be me? Yes. I don't know how, but I think so. That is why He created me right? To be that one piece of the puzzle that no other piece can fill. Ok. So, I want to let people know what I think sometimes without being afraid of hurting their feelings. I want to have a valid opinion in my life and feel like it's worth something even if it doesn't match what other people think. Now that I have a place to write stuff, I think I will put out my opinions a little more. I will show myself. There is good stuff. I am always learning how to be better, how to love more, how to be a child of Christ more. And then, there is the ugly stuff. Stuff that needs to be refined and cast out. I am willing to be pruned so that more fruit will grow. Time to stop letting my fruit fall to the ground. Time to believe in myself a little more. Time to dive into God's Word more and BELIEVE what He says! To renew my mind.
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