To Change

I have been struggling with my thoughts lately. They are so difficult to reign in. We are supposed to find freedom in what Christ has done for us and yet there is still so much work to be done on ourselves. So much transformation. Really it's just so much "letting go". It's hard work letting go. Letting Jesus take over my mind and life... I wish there wasn't so much of ME in the way. I know I cling to things I shouldn't. Thoughts about life, people, situations, what is right vs wrong, what someone else does vs what I do. I am a comparison freak. I compare until I am down right depressed. I value too much what other people think. Why can't I get RID of this thinking??!! It is the driver behind how I parent, what kind of wife I am, what food I will cook, what my house looks like, how I spend my money.

My contentment.

My Joy.

Why would I let what other people think, be the dictator of MY JOY?! There is absolutely no reason for it. But I slip into it so. dadgum. easy. I let other people's thoughtless words drive me to anger, bitterness, frustration and it affects not just me, but everyone around me.
I was in the bathroom with my 3 year old the other day helping her wash her hands and my thoughts were so far from the present situation. Instead of being present with my little girl, instructing her and loving her with my words and actions, I was thinking of all the things everyone else was accomplishing in their lives and I was not... I let out a huge sigh. My little girl noticed and said, "Mom, why are you sad?" I said, in an attempt at blowing it off, "I'm not sad, I must just be tired or something." And then it struck me that my 3 year old notices I am not content. She sees it on my face, hears it in my sigh, and asks what's wrong.
I thought I was holding it in pretty good! Putting on my "brave face" and all that.
My child saw right through it. I must have been doing a pretty weak job. 
I want to be a beggar at the feet of Jesus. I beg for His spirit to lead me. To take my thoughts into captivity. To remind me every. waking. moment. who I am and what He has done. I want TO LIVE IN HIS RIVER OF LIFE!
And yet, I am found so often on the shore, barely touching my toes to the water. I find the thoughts of worthlessness creeping up on me and suddenly I am overwhelmed by them! How can this be?! Is the fight never over? ....

It's a good thing God has grace.
It's a good thing He is Love, and I can never wear it out.
It's a good thing He has paid the price, even while I am still a sinner.
It's a good thing He sees me and has made every provision for me to come to Him. To see His face, to feel His goodness, to hear His words, to know that despite all of me, He IS.
He is worth living this life for.
He is worth fighting this fight for.
He is the God who made me. Knowing me in and out. Knowing I would struggle with thoughts of worthlessness, judgment, and discontentment.
He is greater than my heart, and He knows everything.
He is my God, and I am so glad.