Pain

There has been a number of painful events happening around me. Not to me, but to friends. To people I know and to some I have never met, but "know" through social media.
I have cried over their pain. But when I think about them, I think how they have to hold this pain for their lifetime. I can leave it. They have to tread this deep ocean and try to breath. And it doesn't stop tomorrow. It doesn't stop next year. It will always be there.
Pain.
Such Deep Pain.
How can anyone hold it?
How can anyone stand up in another day while holding so much?
I think there must be some way to see on the outside what they are feeling on the inside.
How can our insides hold all this pain without it showing up on the outside in a physical experience?
I keep thinking of a tower of Lego's that falls to the ground in a million little pieces.
Melting into a puddle.
An explosion of the physical body.
I picture a widow standing at her husbands funeral with her children. She is standing. She is in one piece. She is strong. I am positive she doesn't feel it. But the fact she is standing is a testament.
I don't know how to comfort those who have lost.
I don't know what to say to those experiencing the deep oceans of hurt.
I cry into my pillow at night hoping against all hope they are sinking into Jesus. I don't know how, I don't know if thinking is even possible, but I hope and I pray. I hope they can sink into Jesus. To cling to Him.
I hope others will do the work of clinging to Jesus for them. When everything seems impossible.

I have a picture of those who have known pain and been able to reach a shore. I picture them in a beautiful valley of never ending fields of flowers. The ocean is always there, and sometimes they leave the flowers to bath in the ocean again, but it's never as deep or endless as it once was. They can rise out of the water and walk to the field of flowers to lay down.

I pray that peaceful fields of flowers would one day be found in every heart that is hurting. That we can walk up out of the ocean even if it's just to sit in the surf for a while.

I pray for those experiencing deep oceans of pain.
My heart is crying with yours and lifting you up. You feel alone. But I will do the work of believing for you. Of sinking you into Jesus when you can't. Of hoping when it seems to you there is none. Of helping you hold together when you think you are going to explode into a million little pieces.
I will pray for you when you can't.

JESUS! Carry us. Don't let us drown! Hold us up as long as it takes for us to find a shore. As long as it takes for us to even hope that there could be a shore. Hold us. We are weak, but you are strong. I am a vapor, You are everlasting. You never change.
You are greater than my heart and You know everything. 
Thank You.
My hope is found in you. When everything else has failed, You are there. You know. You Love.    You Are.

who am I trying to fool

So I've been watching this show lately.
I should start over.
I am a sucker for a good romance. Not just any romance, but a GOOD romance. All those romantic comedies just don't cut it for me, and even most of the dramas. But put on Pride and Prejudice and I am all about that.
So back to this show, it's about a small southern town and a girl who moves there from the big city and tries to fit in. I am a sucker for cowboys too... gosh okay! Now you know my secrets.
(my husband is not a cowboy, because we are from Alaska, but I love him anyway. Shhh.)
I don't think I have ever been SO addicted to a show. This one has me completely entranced. I think about it when I am not watching, I can watch like 5 shows in a row and not even think twice about it, and when I am done watching, I will have a southern accent.
Seriously.
How do the writers of these shows KNOW?! They just know how to trap me! The first time I saw the show I noticed it had been given 5 stars so I tried it out and didn't get 10 minutes in before I had to shut it off. It was going to be dorky, I could just tell. But then I kept seeing it. It kept having 5 stars. I had no shows left on my little netflix list and I was tired of surfing gosh darn it! So I tried again.
Bam! still dorky, but I was going to push through. Sometimes shows get better, right? or do I just sink into the level they are at?
Anyway, I do this. I watch a movie and I tell you, I AM that character. I could talk like her, act like her, I want to BE her. It's not purposeful and eventually (in approximately 5 minutes) it wears off. But seriously, how does that happen?!
I know one thing. It makes me feel discontent with my life. With what I have and who I am. I know it and still I watch. Still I feel connected to the characters. Still it enters in through my eyes and ears and into my brain and exudes out of me in my words and actions. I LET it.
Holy cow. My discontent with myself is so easy to rise out of me. I feel like I should KNOW better! I do. I want my life, where I am RIGHT NOW, to be my most peaceful place.
I have to FIGHT! Fight for the right! to be content. To be me in my truest most loving form.
I am reminded to do what God says in his word "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with THANKSGIVING, let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6
So, be thankful. Pray. Lean into God. Listen to His small voice.
Should I quite watching shows that are romantic? Psssh! ha! God hasn't taken me down THAT road yet! I don't like smut, but I like a good story. So does Jesus I suppose. Since after all, He is our romance. I think though, that I need to watch these shows with the foundation of Christ in my mind, body, and spirit. If I know Him, I know ours is the most romantic story around. There is nothing better than what I have and who he has made me to be.
Yes Jesus. I love you. Thank you.

And of course, maybe I should limit my show watching to just, ah, er, one (or two) at a time... we'll see.

okay fine. three.

opinions

I think I care too much about what people think. I have always told myself that I don't, but this past week some things have come out about the pressure I feel from people who are close to me. I let this pressure dictate how I interact with them and thus, our relationship is formed by it. My husband says it puts me in the position of always being everyone's servant. That the good of the relationship is up to how I please them. I have to say, that is how I feel most of the time. I have a few good friends who are still interested in me for being me after all the years I have said and done stupid things. All the times I have not been a good friend to them, they still are there. My family will always be there. They are very supportive of me. But even with close friends and family I always know will be there for me, I feel this pressure to do what is right in THEIR eyes. To be something that looks good to THEM. I always thought I knew who I was and what I wanted, but it turns out, I think I am hiding a lot of it. I think. I am not sure. I am 32 years old. I should know who I am. I know I do more now than when I was in my teens and twenties. But regardless, I need to get rid of this PRESSURE I have built up in my mind that I need to please the people around me and make myself into something that looks good to them. I just need to be me in all of my mess ups and changes and whatever else, without thinking that I won't matter to someone else if I do. Can't I just be thankful for the person God made me to be? Can't I be kind and forgiving and still be myself? Can't I love with the heart of Christ and still be me? Yes. I don't know how, but I think so. That is why He created me right? To be that one piece of the puzzle that no other piece can fill. Ok. So, I want to let people know what I think sometimes without being afraid of hurting their feelings. I want to have a valid opinion in my life and feel like it's worth something even if it doesn't match what other people think. Now that I have a place to write stuff, I think I will put out my opinions a little more. I will show myself. There is good stuff. I am always learning how to be better, how to love more, how to be a child of Christ more. And then, there is the ugly stuff. Stuff that needs to be refined and cast out. I am willing to be pruned so that more fruit will grow. Time to stop letting my fruit fall to the ground. Time to believe in myself a little more. Time to dive into God's Word more and BELIEVE what He says! To renew my mind. 

:(

I lost my camera.
I am consumed by this. Where on earth could it be?

We had a "dance party" this afternoon in the living room with my 2 year old and 11 month old and have no pictures to show for it... how sad. You know the country song by Lady Antebellum that goes "Sometimes I find myself wondering where you are" has been stuck in my head as I look under my bed, in all the various bags I own, in all the pockets of all the coats, and in the car...

Dang. This is a sad, sad day. I have been accused many times in my life for being a bad finder. But not even my husband or little boy know where it is. I can usually depend on them to find anything I have lost.
waaaaaaaaaaa!

I was going to show you the picture of my newest crochet ambitions but, I can't. As the title of this blog would have you believe, it should have something to do with yarn. Well, I promise, I do crochet and I do knit. You will just have to wait for another day to see my products though...
I am sure you are just holding your breath in severe anticipation.

Living in Alaska

I wonder if it's what everyone suspects that it is.
I have, in my short years on this earth, found that there are plenty of people who either think of Alaska as a whole other country, which is primitive and wild at best and are scared of the very idea of being in a place so frozen in time. Or, people idolize it because they think of it as primitive and wild and want to experience that in full force, being able to do whatever their primitive minds can think of doing in a country unruled by human effects and fashion.
Despite these notions, I know I can confirm a few things right off the bat.

We don't live in igloos.

We do have dog sled teams, but (usually) not as our main source of transportation. It is a source of fun and sport and for a very few, their livelihood.

Many Alaskans still use the "honey bucket" and or outhouse and, generally speaking, these methods are as common as using indoor plumbing.  But, I think most prefer running water... I think.

It is light all summer and dark all winter. Granted, there is a little transition time during the spring and early winter where it is a little more "normal".

We do have cities in Alaska. Although, someone from New York or Los Angeles might question the validity of that statement, it's true!

We have many, many villages in Alaska. Some have a population of 20 while others might have as many as 4,000. My parents live in one with a population of 80ish.

We have grand mountains and vast tundras, huge trees, dessert land and bogs and islands and ocean and you name it, we probably have it in some form or another.  Mind you, it was probably frozen or still is and will be for the next thousand years, but by george, it's there.

We struggle with what can be grown here but most everything has been tried.  Grapes have flourished in a greenhouse heated by a hot springs.

The northern lights are common in the winter and always magnificent! You just have to get away from the town lights to see them.

Moose abound and will eat your garden if you don't put a HIGH fence around it. Sometimes, that won't even keep them out.

Depending on where you live, bears also abound. Here in the interior, they are not as common as in the southern areas, but boy, they are awesome and deadly.

Some things that I know about my life here:
I am usually cold. But a few days of the year, I get to wear shorts and tanks and my life is once again complete.

There is absolutely NOTHING like a summer in Fairbanks Alaska. No matter where you are from, if you live anywhere south of my town, you have no idea what you mean when you say you are happy for spring to have arrived.

Growing things gives life to my soul, and it's not because I am good at it, it is because I need to see something green, something growing, something that smells like dirt and life during my 9-10 months indoors.

There is no other way for me to survive the winters than by getting out in them.

Summer brings this crazy spirit out of everyone and suddenly all the things that were "planned" for summer get thrown out the window and we are just moving and going and doing ALL the time because there is so much to do and see and build and experience.

Every year is a surprise.

You never get "used" to anything. Not the dark, not the light, not the cold or the snow in June. Not the mosquitoes, not the 40 below temps, or the way the northern lights look when you are skiing in the woods all by yourself and it's dark but the clock says 4:30 pm.

This Alaskan life is ever changing, always keeping us on our toes, guessing and reaching for that unreasonable hope we all get every spring to keep planting, to keep living, to keep loving this place that is supposed to be predictable but continues to surprise me every. single. year.

Why do I live here?
Because I would miss it if I didn't.
Because the people that you find here are a unique bunch anyone would equally love and call crazy.
Because I get to call myself Alaskan. And for as much as anyone might not want to admit it, there is a pretty cool note of pride and respect that goes with that name, and I need all the respect I can get.

2 years old

My little man is very anxious for some things in life. I think he captures most of them in this brief statement:

"Momma, I need a story. I need a stor, I need soup. Momma, I need sou, I need chili!. Momma, I'm hungry!! Let's go outside."

The past few days have been cold and yesterday it hailed. Summer does not want to show itself. Regardless of the weather though, Noah still wants to play outside. I can hardly blame him, but yesterday while it was hailing I told him it would be better to stay inside because, "It's just too wet and cold, baby!"

But he insisted and I was in no mood for a fight. I let him go. Not a minute later he was standing outside the door crying. I went to see him and I asked him why he was having such issues and he informed me, as though I would not ever have known otherwise, that, "It's just too wet and cold, baby!"

Oh how a mother must always hold her tongue! An "I told you so!" would do nothing to affect the situation... So I had to thoughtfully say once more, "okay, come inside." Peel off his coat and boots and have a little more snuggle time on the couch with my sweet two year old boy.

He makes up for any indiscretion though, when before climbing up on the couch he says, "Do you know what Momma? I love you." and leans his little head onto my shoulder.

Can I melt now?

Potty, Potty, Potty

What does it take to get a two year old on the potty? I don't know about you, but in this house it takes a whole slew of bribes and praises. How about milkshakes, movies, candy of all kinds, cars, and play dates with his best friend? Okay, so that might convince him to sit on the potty, but what about actually using it?! I am still working on that one. It's a good thing it is warm outside or we would all be crazy. Most of his accidents have happened outside until today.

I had lots of things planned out for today. Most of them being to attend to the house that was ignored all weekend due to all events surrounding the potty.  There is lots of laundry to catch up on, dishes to wash, bathrooms to clean, the floors however are more sparkling clean than ever before. All such motivations, however, disapeared to the tune of the late day bells of 11am.  Isn't the day over yet?? I mean, it could be 11PM right? Please? How many poops and puddles of pee have I cleaned up today? 20... no, it must be more than that.

My hands are not my own. They are purple gloves swishing swishing swishing over the floor. One more time. Now they are a pile of blankets stained with poop smears and soaked with pee.

Wait, I smell something.

WHERE IS THE POOP?!  What? oh. the baby at least goes in her diaper where it belongs...
Shoot. Going back to diapers sounds easier for all of us.

But lo, I shall persevere.

Dadgumit.

(I don't think you want to see any pictures from today. gross.)